Sunday, June 14, 2015

An Early Morning Conversation -- written October 2014

Heavenly Father?

Hi, it's me ... Jaymie.

Yeah, I've hit a bit of a rough patch. 

What do I mean? 
Well, my job is really hard. Don't get me wrong! It's totally worth it. I like teaching, I like keeping a roof over our heads with food on the table, and I seem to be allright at it, but most days it seems like I work from the minute I wake up, until well into the night. Even when I'm not grading papers, I'm mentally problem-solving how to better help my 100 plus kids. It's kind of exhausting. Sometimes, I'm so mentally and physically and emotionally exhausted that I could curl up in a melancholy ball and cry. Then, the mom-guilt takes over ...

Being a mom isn't what I thought it would be. Somehow, when I signed up for this, I thought it would be different. I didn't imagine juggling this on my own. I never thought I'd have to ship my kids off to live with someone else on the weekends. 
I don't mean to complain, really, I don't. I love my girls. They're amazing ... And a half. I can't begin to imagine my life without them. Well, thanks to custody arrangements, I guess I can. I just try hard not to. I may be one of the most consistent things in their lives, but they're that for me as well. It's just that being so busy during the week, keeping a consistent bedtime for those girls, and letting them go each weekend seems to eat up much of my time with them. And, they're growing SO fast ...
Occasionally, the pressures of running this little family on my own are so intense that the challenges feel like they're  swallowing me whole. It's an overwhelming strain - physically, mentally, and emotionally. There are nights when I cry with fear at the thought of how much has to be done and how little there is to do it with. But, I guess you know that ... Most of the time, you're the only one who hears it.

Dating? Hmm ... Well, my sweetheart is rather wonderful too. When my tire blew out on the freeway yesterday and took the front passenger side of my car with it,  he (and his wonderful dad) didn't hesitate to come rescue the girls and I. In fact, my love's dad hauled the girls back SO that my love's mother could watch them. What could have been terrifying for my children was a time of fun with one of their favorite shows and popcorn. That man of mine waited with me while I made arrangements to get my poor car towed. He takes awfully good care of me. In spite of that, dating comes with its own bag of vulnerability and uncertainty. Juggling that on top of everything else? A sweet relief and a bundle of nerves combined.

I know, it doesn't sound like I should let things get to me. But, sometimes, they just do. I know the blessings are there; it's just hard to feel them when they're all tangled up in heavy ...

Anyway, thanks for listening ... and thanks for the blessings.

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